I am a people pleaser. I say that, part in seriousness and part in jest because no one is really a people pleaser. We say we aim to please but really it is for our own selfish reasons why we are constantly climbing to win over people. We want our children to behave a certain manner, we want our spouses to pay attention to us the way we want, we want our employees to do their job yet still like their boss.
I’ve had 3 major relationships in my life. Yes, I am a serial monogamist. Two out of the three, I can say we are on good, if not, great terms. My first major breakup was a divorce where we shared children; therefore the motivation was “about the kids” well, not really. Of course that is what was said and is a result of what really needed to occur. I needed my ex to be on the same page with me so MY life could continue without the drama that “normal” divorces instewed. This has worked out well. My life is very good and my children are well adjusted. It came from a selfish place but the outcome is as positive as a divorce can be in today’s society.
My second major breakup was with a man I thought I’d marry, even if he was still legally married. Well, that didn’t end well and resulted in a lot of uncertainty and indecisiveness about what I was capable of doing in my own. After recognizing that my feeling for him were too far gone and engrossed with resentment, I finally let it go but I worked to maintain a relationship that made me feel good that I made the right decision.
The third breakup, well, that was my lesson, one of them, about taking out the trash. He was a sweetheart. Worshiped the ground I walked on and was selfless. But it didn’t work and I was always feeling unbalanced in our love for each other. When he ended it, badly, I retreated to thinking I needed to maintain my streak of keeping the peace. My selfish need to not have any “antibodies” floating around my network quickly diminished when I realized that what I had to do in order to maintain that streak of having my exes on good terms would require me to lower my standards I set out for myself that allowed me to feel good about who I was each day and feel comfortable in my own skin. I am also a leader of a large organization. And I have had struggled making similar decisions about my working relationships with my team and those I choose to work with and bring together to achieve what is needed to get the job done. My need to keep the peace has recently been overturned by my selfish desire to succeed. I also have a selfish desire to keep myself surrounded by those who share my same work ethic and align with my vision.
Taking out the trash is hard, sometimes smelly, and uncomfortable and doesn’t appear like “trash” at all. But when the unnecessary is gone, the liberation to have what you want, whether it’s a clean house, a clear head, or just making room for things that fill you the way YOU want to be filled, is worth every moment.
Take out your trash today. It’s the day.
YL Member ~ Sarah Cevallos